The Winner of the Collected Miscellany Short Story Contest

Some of you might remember that this humble site announced a short story contest a while back. Well, we have reviewed the entries and picked a winner. This week we will be posting the winner and a couple of honorable mentions so that these illustrious writers can bask in the resultant Internet fame sure to come their way.

So without further ado, allow me to present the winner of the Collected Miscellany Short Story Contest: Cowtown Pattie of Texas Triffles. Ms. Pattie won with her entry Beer Magic and Goat Philosophy which is reproduced below for your enjoyment.

Congratulations CP and don’t forget us little guys when you hit the big time!


Beer Magic and Goat Philosophy

I never knew his real name, or if I did, I’ve forgotten it. A tall, rail-thin fellow who always had a ready smile but few words, he lived just off the highway along with some goats and a lone red dog he called Goldie, a cross between a golden retriever and an Irish setter. Surrounded by craggy piles of cast-off junk, the little fly-speck shanty he called home appeared even more tenuous than its occupant. His only visible means of support was the occasional sale of a piece of his landscape and whose resulting vacant spot among the rubble was quickly filled twice-over.

Late in the evening, the small herd of goats held court on top of an old beat-up truck long past its prime, a twisted hunk of indistinguishable metal; bearded King Billy with his crown of horns more regal than any anointed Shakespearean monarch. Occasionally, Goldie would join her hoofed friends in a chase around the yard, barking at their heels, each knowing the rules of the game. Serving as base, the hood of the old truck was safe harbor for the goats, the sound of their bleats an echoing cacophonous song accompanied by the softer clanging of the little bells on their collars. If her Capricorn playmates tarried there too long, Goldie would get bored and amble off in search of something more interesting.

And so it would seem likely the old man was known to the locals as “Goat Man”. It was not meant in a mean way, just a name much like the postman, or the butcher. Someone told me once that Goat Man was very educated, had a master’s degree in some field or other. I suppose it was possible. Those days, he was just an old hermit that seldom bathed, preferring the company and philosophy of four-legged friends. Any vestige of higher learning was well hidden underneath the old dirty “gimme” cap that was part of Goat Man’s usual wardrobe.

If his mood was just right and the visitor willing to ignore the ripe odors, Goat Man would put Goldie through her tricks. Lining up several empty cans of various labels of beer, he would send Goldie outside of the lean-to barn and ask a guest to choose a brew – would you care for a Jax, a Pearl, or maybe a Lone Star? How about a Shiner? Nodding his acknowledgement of the guest’s choice, Goat Man would pick up the selected can, hand it around for inspection, and then set it back alongside the rest. Givinga sharp whistle, Goat Man would call the dog back inside. She would wait patiently for her signal… ears pointed, eyes glued to his weathered face, she paid no attention to her audience. Goat Man would have a short word of encouragement to Goldie and then with a slight upward point of his chin toward the wall, she would pad quickly to the line-up of cans, sniffing one, then another. She occasionally went down the line completely before returning to the right beer; placing her paw on its top, she would pull the can over, pick it up in her mouth, and carry it back to her master. This would go on and on until the audience grew tired of the performance, unable to discern the exact secret Goat Man and Goldie knew; certainly the man and the dog never wearied of the routine. Some people said that Goat Man would put a particular scent on the can, others said the dog got special signals from him. Me? I always thought it was more the magic bond between them, a language only the two of them knew, a unique communication between man and his best friend.

The queer old man and Goldie were minor celebrities in the little coastal town, their fame reaching down the blacktop county highway to the next little sleepy fishing burg. Years passed and both friends lost battles to cancer; Goldie one year to a tumor in her abdomen, and Goat Man the next to lung cancer – the unsolicited gift of decades-long smoking of unfiltered Camel cigarettes. The kingdom of junk has long been razed over, but ever so often the flattened odd can of Jax beer surfaces, its red and yellow label scratched by time and perhaps the faint markings of canine teeth. Occasionally late at night, the town folks say they can hear the melodius tinkling of bells followed by the barking of a distant dog: the ghostly sounds of an old game of junkyard tag still carried on the warm gulf winds.

About the author

Kevin Holtsberry

I work in communications and public affairs. I try to squeeze in as much reading as I can while still spending time with my wife and two kids (and cheering on the Pittsburgh Steelers and Michigan Wolverines during football season - oh, and watching golf too).

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1 Comment

  • Thanks so much, Kevin and all!

    Haven’t felt this excited since the fourth grade at Poolville Elementary and being selected as a Duchess in the annual Christmas Pageant!

    “Remember us little guys”

    Little? You’re certainly BIG in my part of the pasture!

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